I want to look good naked.

This is the best goal I can think of. Maybe a less narcissistic goal would be to be "healthy;" and I've mentioned that I do indeed want to be strong.

(Un)Fortunately for me, I have a partner who finds me physically attractive at this weight (and did at my heavier weights, too). This is encouraging for my self-esteem, but not as much so for my long term goals. However, anyone that knows me will affirm that while my partner's affection for me is valuable, it in no means governs my actions.

"Good enough" isn't good enough.

So why is this even worth mentioning? Well, it has to do with potential weight-loss stalls. I haven't really encountered it yet, but I'm sure it will come. In the past, once the actual weight loss got harder (that is, the numbers weren't going down), I felt like I had to ramp up the difficulty of my workouts to break through it. That and the constant micromanagement of my calories just burned out any interest I had to sticking to it. I was so frustrated because I wasn't seeing the scale change. Sure the inches were sort of going down, but other than that, I didn't feel DIFFERENT. I still felt squishy. I exhausted myself in the gym and ate less than X calories. WHY OH WHY DO YOU MOCK ME, SCALE?!?

I know I'm not alone in this sentiment. I've seen endless posts and talked to several friends who bore the same frustration. There's always some sort of "chin-up" addendum (I did/do it, too)--that says something like: "It must be water weight/muscle" or "I'll take this week as a challenge to meet X goals this week" or "That's okay because I know I'm getting stronger in ______."

I know that if I step on a scale today/tomorrow/whenever and see a number in the 180s, I'll probably go through it, too.

What I've been trying to do since April is to not fixate on the weight of my body and the main measure of my progress. I've been re-calibrating my brain to accept that weighing less is not as important to me as having my body look the way I want it to look. There's a woman in the gym I go to. She probably fits into the "overweight" category of the BMI scale. She has a strong, beautiful physique. She is VERY feminine-looking. She can move a LOT of iron. She has enough body fat on her that her muscles look sleek, but not cut. I want her body. I want to look like her.

Kinda reminds me of Staci's story.

So I'm trying to mentally force myself to think of what my actual GOALS are. Then I have to re-think what the best way to measure them will be. Everyone who wants to "lose weight" (I'm still one of them, really), fears/loathes/and judges their progress by....the scale. I still do.

I think what I want to do is strike the phrase/thought "I'm trying to lose weight." completely from my mind. Then what am I trying to do? I'm trying to make my body athletic. That just doesn't have the right ring to it, does it? "I'm trying to look good naked" has the right kind of humor/tone, but still, it's not right.

On Monday, I went in for my weight-lifting session. It was at the end of my work day (I usually go at lunch) and I felt--not up to it. I mentally toughed it out, almost didn't finish my set of presses (at 55lbs) and didn't do the target weight on power clean (55lbs) and instead struggled through finishing at 50 lbs. It's not fun to struggle, but what was a refreshing thought was that last time I struggled like that (squat--55lbs), I came back from my rest day and blazed through my difficult weight and moved on to a heavier weight with not a lot of problems. Despite that, I did feel a little defeated.

DO YOU SEE THE THEME HERE? Scale doesn't go down, feel defeated, semi-convince yourself it's okay with a lame pep talk. Struggle with weight lifting, feel defeated, semi-convince yourself it's okay with a lame pep talk.

Feeling defeated, no matter what your goals are, seems to be a common factor in giving up. Improvement is what might be key. Because of the Starting Strength and Couch to 5K programs, I KNOW that week to week and day to day, my performace improves. That feels good.

But I'm secretly still fearing when I'll see a scale plateau/increase. I'm still afraid that I'll encounter something that will lead me to give up this time. That's what I suppose this post is REALLY about. What do I need to do NOW (and later) to be sure I won't give up? I hope I find the answer.