Inspired by my good friend, I have decided to try having a blog. So, if you are currently reading this, that means that I finally told someone about my top secret blog and this entry is probably old. My initial inspiration to resurrect this blog is to keep track of my weight loss. I might discuss/share my other hobbies and ponderings but I don't yet have plans for anything other than getting fit.
Here's my story: I always struggled with weight. And by "struggled with" I mean "was unhappy with but not enough to put any real effort into changing it." I have no idea what I weighed when I left for college, but my weight throughout college fluctuated anywhere from 160-ish to 180ish. At 5'4" this made me a decidedly overweight person. Some would call me "curvy" by looking at me, but I was dreadfully aware that according to my BMI (an antiquated standard, I know) I was obese. I just shelved that thought. I'm sure you understand.
I was married in 2009 to my college sweetheart. Less than 3 months after the marriage, he began to have an affair with his boss, I found him out, and of course (strong independent woman that I am, right? RIGHT?!?) I crumbled into a sniveling heap of despair. We had already purchased tickets for Christmas at his parent's place. He waffled the whole time about whether he wanted to work things out, and I spent my time trying to be the "perfect wife" so he would be convinced to stay with me. I knew though, that it would probably be the last time I saw his wonderful family. I was right. He had no intention of making things work. He moved out immediately when we got home. Divorce proceedings began, and so did my spiralling depression.
I am not a stress eater. I'm a stress starver. I would come home to an empty apartment that we had shared, lay down on the couch, and stare at nothing. I didn't sleep much and I certainly didn't often remember to eat. I remember a conversation with a dear friend who came to visit me that went something like this:
Friend: Are you hungry?
Me: No. I feel like I'm going to puke.
Friend: When was the last time you ate something?
Me: I had a bowl of soup on Thursday.
Friend: It's Sunday. What the fuck?!
So eventually, like things do, the anxiety/depression softened and I started to, you know, wear mascara. Do my laundry. Hang out with friends. I moved to a new apartment (my mom even drove all the way from Texas to help). I got a dog (Boots the American Cocker Spaniel). Along the way, of course, I made some terrible decisions in the hopes that I would stop feeling so numb. They didn't work, but I don't feel so bad about those things.
When I started feeling better, I noticed that I had no pants that could stay up without a belt. I stepped on the scale. I had dropped 30 pounds. In about 2 months (maybe less?). I was totally shocked. And of course, thrilled! Sure, I didn't do it the healthy way, but now that I'm here, I can maintai----YAYYYYY BURGERS AND BEER AND I CAN EAT ANYTHING I WANT BECAUSE I'M SKINNY!!!!
Whoops. Back up to match my heaviest weight. 185 lbs. Le sigh. It was a fun skinny summer, though.
BMI: 31.8. Above 30 is obese. I'm OBESE?!?
So I had a meet with a personal trainer (part of being a new member to a gym). He did a quick caliper test (shoulder, stomach, bicep, tricep) and found my body fat % to be 33%. Above 32% is obese. However!!! He did a recalculation of this based on a few factors (I had already warmed up--not recommended--and more than half of the reading came from my flabby-ass arms), and told me that I was only 29% fat, putting me in the "overweight" category.
Oh good. ONLY 29%.
My waist-to-hip ratio is 0.79. This puts me JUST in the "Low Risk" category. Yay for hourglass figures!
So I'm a size 12-but-sometimes-a-14. Obese-or-maybe-not-obese. I'm carrying around anywhere from 54-62lbs of fat.
What. The. Fuck.
If you couldn't tell from my writing, this is (more aptly put, was) my starting point. I have since lost 4.25 lbs. I'll tell you about that later.
Good luck with this! I can relate to more of this than you might think. My post-breakup depression-related weight loss also totaled 30 pounds, 20 of which I now have back, probably 10 of which I do not want. I know exactly what you mean about simply not having any interest in eating - I think I managed about half a bowl of cereal on some of those days. I am now the owner of three distinct types of pants - old pants that are too baggy but I can justify with a belt, pants that fit OK, and pants that are really too tight but I still wear on occasion because, dammit, these were fine when I bought them! At least you're staying motivated at the gym - I joined one for the last few months and barely used it. Anyway, like I said, good luck with reaching your goals!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Tyler. I thought about you a lot during all this mess. I definitely have the 3 different pants.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the pants I wear now are the "fat pants" that were falling off me before. I can't even try to squeeze into my skinny pants. And the middle pants are, well...tight.