Slacking is not the word for what I have done. I have embarrassed myself. And as it was last time, the camera is what did me in. Photos of myself that were horrifying. I have gained all the weight back that I had lost, and then some.
At the pinnacle of my weight loss in the spring, I bought some size 10 pants that were fitting me. A little snugly, but they fit. Now, I'm buckling into size 14s again. They're not tight, but they fit. Before, they fell off me. I'm actually pretty emotional about it.
Meanwhile, Boyfriend and I are doing splendidly. Which may have been part of the problem. Happy Teresa eats. And unless nightly sex counts as cardio, I haven't been doing hardly any. My gym membership has become a fat tax. It's humiliating.
I almost feel like I need to go to a different gym so that the people that work at the old gym don't judge me when I come in, head hung low.
I have a friend, Angela, that I've totally let down. She has this great blog and people who joined her in their weekly weight loss reports. As my shame, embarrassment set in, and my lack of drive to keep eating healthy and working out dug deep, I didn't even respond to her weekly emails with a lame "hey." I just ignored them. I not only lost my own accountability, but I began ignoring the external accountability that I had set up for myself.
So here's what I want to do:
Go to the gym.
Reluctantly, and maybe tearfully, weigh in.
Slowwwlly, get back to working out. Walking on a treadmill. Elliptical. Something I enjoy like that. About a week ago, I rolled my ankle pretty badly, so we'll see how I do there. Maybe swimming? I don't have a lot of experience swimming for exercise.
But the goal is to not feel like I'm punishing myself for my failings. Everything in me is telling me that it's a punishment, so I just need to get back to that feeling I had when I thoroughly enjoyed working out.
I dunno. I'm pretty low. And roly poly. :(
As an addendum: I measured myself. Since my last measurement in mid-May, I have gained 10.3 inches. the largest gains (no surprise) are in my chest, waist, and hips. Wahh waahhhhh.
