170.75 and some early progress photos.

I was encouraged by a buddy to maybe take pictures every month? I'm not so sure that I'll do that, but I wanted to compare the starting vs. current photos now.

Front view; Left 171lbs, Right 180lbs

Right side; Left 171, Right 180

Left Side: Left 171lbs, Right 180lbs

Backside; Left 171, Right 180

Face front, Left 171, Right 180

Face Right; Left 171, Right 180

Face Left; Left 171, Right 180

 Anyone see a difference? I sorta can. 

??? Disappearing posts and my recently awful job.

Okay. So last time I posted, I wrote a long thing complaining about a problem with the BF. Yesterday, I couldn't log in to blogger (no one could for a while, apparently). Today, I show up, and that post is gone? I don't feel like rewriting it, and I don't have it saved anywhere.

SO, here it was in a nutshell. BF (who quit smoking in October) has been smoking for the last two months and hiding it from me. I got super upset because when I caught him, he lied about it, and then finally came clean. My own neuroticism (due to my history with my lyin' cheatin' ex husband) lead me to believe he was having an affair (he's not) and get SUPER upset about him lying to me and hiding it from me for so long. Especially since I'm pretty sure he knows that I wouldn't have even been all that upset about finding it out in the first place.

Anyhow, because I under eat when I'm stressed, I had a day where I worked out twice and ate less than 1100 calories. I decided to nip that in the bud right away, especially since BF and I are well on our way to working things out. I don't want to stall my healthy journey by being fatigued due to undereating.

At work, we're putting together all the final documents for submitting our recent research to a journal. It is a LOT of work. Everyone compiles their data into a document that should be uniform in format. However, my coworkers are idiots that don't understand "uniform" or "format" or "data," so I'm having to go through pages and pages of things that look like this:
¹H NMR (500 MHz, CDCl₃) δ = 7.41 – 7.21 (m, 7H), 7.22 – 7.16 (m, 2H), 6.35 (dd, J = 1.4, 6.1, 1H), 6.16 (qrt, J = 7.0, 1H), 5.94 (d, J = 6.1, 1H), 5.22 (s, 1H), 4.74 (dd, J = 3.4, 9.8, 1H), 3.95 (d, J = 16.1, 1H), 3.74 (d, J = 16.1, 1H), 2.54 (d, J = 9.8, 1H), 1.69 (d, J = 7.0, 3H). ¹³C NMR (126 MHz, CDCl₃) δ = 166.99, 163.23, 137.78, 135.76, 135.11, 132.41, 131.73, 129.35, 129.01, 128.43, 128.31, 127.77, 127.45, 100.04, 94.18, 81.95, 78.16, 48.01, 43.13, 11.16.

And make it look like this:
¹H NMR (500 MHz, CDCl₃) δ = 7.41-7.21 (m, 7H), 7.22-7.16 (m, 2H), 6.35 (dd, J = 6.1, 1.4, 1H), 6.16 (q, J = 7.0, 1H), 5.94 (d, J = 6.1, 1H), 5.22 (s, 1H), 4.74 (dd, J = 9.8, 3.4, 1H), 3.95 (d, J = 16.1, 1H), 3.74 (d, J = 16.1, 1H), 2.54 (d, J = 9.8, 1H), 1.69 (d, J = 7.0, 3H). ¹³C NMR (126 MHz, CDCl₃) δ = 167.0, 163.2, 137.8, 135.8, 135.1, 132.4, 131.7, 129.4, 129.0, 128.4, 128.3, 127.8, 127.5, 100.0, 94.2, 82.0, 78.2, 48.0, 43.1, 11.2.

I have to do tiny tiny things like changing the types of dashes used, italicize all the J's, reverse the orders of the constants, for example, changing (dd, J = 3.4, 9.8, 1H) to  (dd, J = 9.8, 3.4, 1H), and changing all the two decimal place ¹³C to having only one decimal place. Oh, and did I mention that I have to count the number of H's represented and C's in each molecule (for example, this compound should have 20H's and 20 ¹³C peaks. Oh, and I also have to make sure that the ¹H data makes sense (for example, making sure that if a peak is a dd, that it has two J constants).

Obviously, each one of the TINY MOTHERFUCKING MINUSCULE DETAILS must be changed one by one. And because my boss doesn't trust the idiots that fucked it up the first time to fix it, it's MY JOB. Even though I tried to explain about 20 times the right format. And this sort of thing is not conducive to being active and on my feet all day like I'm used to. Unsurprisingly, I'm left MORE tired at the end of the day than when I'm up and about. I'm tired just writing this by now, so that'll be all until next time.

Yikes!!!

So today, I weigh 171 lbs (BMI 29.3). WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! TO show you how crazy my weight loss pattern has been in the last month, have a look at this lovely graph:

Sorry about the image quality (clicking on it shows it much larger and clearer). Apparently, you can't save a "chart" as an image directly from excel. You have to paste it into MS Paint. At least, that's how my feeble computing skillz had me do it.

Also, you'll notice I added a ticker. Bonus: I'm growing out my hair (and hopefully, cutting out all color treatment of my hair), so the image of the gal on the bike with the long flowing locks seems appropriate.

Sad news about my hair, though. So during my divorce, I decided I needed a change. My hair is naturally a dark ash blonde/light ash brown color. "Hair-colored-hair." I had dyed it dark brown for YEARS upon years. I bleached the shit out of it and toned it to a light ash blonde in the hope of getting close to my natural color again (because the stark blonde roots against the dark brown hair was a nasty look. And growing it out with such a harsh demarcation was out of the question). Obviously, it fried the shit out of my hair, and I cut it from armpit length to just below chin length. In the ensuing months, it became obvious that I had aimed WAYYY too light. My darker roots were just showing through like mad. And again, I hit a point where I needed a change. With such light blonde hair, I felt like I looked SOOO young. With my big cherubic cheeks, I just looked like a doll (and not in a good way). I had also lost a lot of weight at that time (this is in the late spring/early summer of 2010), and I felt like a VIXEN.

172.75

That's what I weighed in at yesterday. I rode my bike to the gym, did some weights (triceps and chest) and a little bit more cardio before riding my bike home. It felt good to use my muscles again. It also felt good to feel like I'm heading in the right direction again with my weight loss.

I'm slowly making my way back towards eating healthier. Sort of. Yesterday, I hadn't eaten very may calories by the time dinner rolled around. D and I went to my favorite Indian buffet. I did a really good job of sticking to healthier choices (nothing fried, nothing with thick creamy sauces, plenty of veggies). I only ate a few bites of naan, but I did have a banana lassi. In all, I ate a LOT of calories anyway in that sitting, but I did end up sticking to my daily calorie goal.

I cooked up some BIG batches of food, so I've been encouraged to (and enthused about, really) eat at home.

SO! I intend to just get better and building and keeping healthy habits. It's so hard not to feel DEPRIVED when I avoid foods that are...troublesome (like french fries, for example). I'm working on both adjusting my mindset and doing various things to avoid binging (which is basically what I did about a week ago).

Something about Wagons?

So I weighed in at 174.75  today. DANNGEERROUSLY close to 175.

I have officially fallen off the bandwagon off the beaten path short of my goals off of my bicycle in a few ways (a new and improved metaphor! See below for details).
1) I ate some fried food.
2) I succumbed to the desire to eat Taco Bell (wth!?!?!)
3) I have not been exercising 5 days a week like I had hoped I would be doing.

SO! Back on the...wagon? Why is that even used? People only talk about "the wagon" when they're wanting to get back on it. But when someone's doing good and sticking to their plan, do they really say they're on a wagon?

To me, being "on a wagon" implies that something (a parent, a horse/donkey/mule, a vehicle of some sort) is doing the hard work. So when I'm doing a good job at this weight loss business, I'm not sitting back and letting someone/something else do the hard work--I'm doing it.

Additionally, a wagon is so far removed from modern society's luxuries that the use of it doesn't bring an actual "wagon" to mind, just the idea of a journey, maybe? Back on the road? On the beaten path? But again, that implies that the route is already forged.

I hereby retire the phrase "Back on the wagon." While I'm at it, I will also retire the term "happy camper."

So I'm back on the (metaphor), and here's what I'm gonna do:

1) I'm going to be more strict with logging my calories (I skipped more than a few things on my food log these last two weeks). And by "more strict" I mean I'm not going to skip anything. AT. ALL.
2) I'm going to re-start my 5-x-a-week-for-12-weeks goal (of exercise). I did two weeks in a row of 4 days a week, promising myself to add an extra workout in the following week. No more of that. I won't bargain with myself anymore here.
3) I'm going to cook meals at home at least twice a week. I let myself slack on this, and I suffered the consequences (and so did my wallet). If I cook two big meals a week, end up with enough food for lunches and dinners for the whole week.

A mini-goal is to save money this month. I think the cooking will definitely help.

All right, guys. Back on the bicycle for me! (HA! An exercise-based thingie that is powered by me and helps me move forward. Way better than any sort of silly wagon. Plus I actually want to bike to my gym anyway, so....ba-DOW).

Complainnnn!!!

Stupid scale. 173.5 today.

I didn't do so hot on either calories or activity on the weekend, but definitely not 3,500 more calories eaten than burned. Why such a gain?

Magic. The bad kind.

I will do a better job of eating well, try to do better at being active on the weekend, and try to STICK TO my gym regimen. I need to exercise twice either today or tomorrow to keep to my goal.

173.5??? :(

A weird weekend.

So on Saturday, I indulgently slept in until 10, went to work until about 3:30, and then went to my 3rd tattoo session at 4. The result? Not a lot of movement for the day. I average about 12,000-13,000 steps on the week days. I think I didn't break 10,000 for BOTH Sat. and Sun. :( :( :(

Laying on my belly getting my back tattooed for 4h, followed by being relatively still during recovery does not amount to a lot of movement. As such, I ate like normal-ish (maybe a BIT more indulgently) and did not have the nice calorie deficits that I'm used to. For example, I usually shoot for eating 1700 calories a day and burning 2400. I am almost always very close to this. On Saturday, I ate 1400 and burned 1900. On Sunday I ate 1800 and burned.....1750. Whoops.

So I've had a good run of weight loss in April. I've lost 6.5lbs since April began. I started out the month with upping my calorie intake from about 1700 to about 1900 for a week. I then dropped it back down to about 1500 for a week. I'm not sure if that's what did the trick, but I did see great numbers this month so far. That's part of the reason why I'm not stressing out about it.

I'm currently (as of my weigh in last week) about 6 lbs away from losing 10% of my body weight. I'm 2.5lbs away from my next photo-session (and 2.5lbs away from 15lbs lost!).

All-in-all, I feel....weird. It might be because of how lax I've been lately. Maybe it's the tattoo pain that's making my brain strange. Maybe it's the weird things going on in my audio book. Maybe it's feeling antsy from not working out since Friday.

But today is a weird day. I intend to get things back on track by having a nice, HARD, cardio session with a bit of weights thrown in at lunch today. Wish me luck!

172.5lbs and Existentialist Crises (Crisises? Dilemmae?)

So I submitted my "Thursday" weigh-in on my weight loss group. I weighed in on Wednesday at 174. My Thursdays are unpredictable and busy, so I usually submit the weight that I get at the gym on Weds as my weight so that I'm not super late in submitting.

I weigh in on a balance beam scale in my gym. With those balance beam scales, sometimes you can tell that you are "in between" the readings. I was less than 174, but more than 173.5 for sure. I don't like standing in the locker room naked for 5 minutes staring at the slowly moving balance beam, so I often just accept certain reads as "close enough." I use "quotes" a lot.

Yesterday (Thurs), I did have some unexpected free time to pop over to the gym. I weighed in at 172.5. Because I was skeptical of this weight (it seems that I'm always skeptical of my weigh-ins), I stood there, nekkid as a jaybird (you can thank my dad for that phrase), staring at that stupid balance beam until it was SMACK in the middle of the thingie. You know what I mean. I was SURE that I must be imagining it. But there it was. 172.5lbs, BMI 29.6.

SO! As for my existentialist debacles. Last blog post, I was discussing ideal weight and frame size and whatnot. Because I'm a scientist, I obsessed over the numbers of it all, looking up a multitude of sources for my ideal weight. Additionally, I consulted the American Medical Association as well as the surgeon general's recommendations. Both of those adhere to BMI, so basically, there's way too much random "facts" to pick one. So I have decided to amend my current weight loss goal.

At 5'4 I want to weigh 130lbs. EVERY single weight loss recommendation I saw had this number within their "healthy" range.

I'm a touch worried that I'll get to 150 and quit. I still have this fear that I won't feel like myself if I'm not at least a bit more "fluffy" than skinny people. But I don't want this fear of the unknown to stop me from getting where I'm going. Maybe I'll get there, keep it for a few months, and decide to keep things at a more relaxed weight?

Maybe I'll get to 145 and hit a monster plateau and stay at that weight forever. I read a lady's blog recently where she stayed within 225 and 232 for 20 months. 20 MOTHERFUCKING MONTHS TO LOSE 7 LBS?!?! I don't know if I could emotionally handle that.

So! What's the plan? I plan to not let myself get discouraged before I even approach obstacles. I've already lost 12.5lbs. I'm 27.5lbs away from my original goal and 42.5 away from my new one. I will keep that initial goal in the forefront for now, though.

Diet Chic recommended that I should keep goals of 10lbs at a time in mind. And I do sort of do that already, but mostly I keep the end in mind. Maybe I should do what she says, eh? 2.5lbs away from new pictures!!! 7.5lbs away from the big 2-0 loss. I should make some mini-rewards for that.

Still at 174 and a Re-evaluation of my goals.

My weight is 174lbs
My BMI is 29.9.

I am so...tentative about this weight. I hate stepping on the scale for fear that it's a weird "up" day and that I'll be magically obese again (175 and up is "obese" according to BMI for my 5'4" height).

I know, I know. BMI sucks. Blah blah, body frame, something about muscle density. But it still feels profound to be labelled as OBESE, whatever the measure. In good news, my waist-to-hip ratio is still 0.79. This is puts me in the "healthy" range.

So my initial goal was to get to 145. That is to lose 40 lbs. I've lost 11 pounds. 29 to go?

Well that's tricky now. Because if I'm adhering to BMI, 145 puts me RIGHT at the line between overweight and "healthy." I really want to be smack in the middle of healthy. Not hovering in between. That would mean 127 pounds. Holy fuckcrap. That's super tiny. AGAIN. I know that BMI is lame.

For adjusted ideal body weight (according to frame size), I'm "in between."

According to my wrist circumference, I have a "broad" body frame and should weigh anywhere from 132-149.
According to the breadth of my elbow, I have a medium frame and should be somewhere between 122 and 135.

So to be safe, maybe I should set my goal for the average? 134.5? Hot damn. I can't even remotely imagine what I would look like at that weight. I feel like I have too much muscle to weigh 135. Losing 50lbs?!?! That's like, impossible. And that means I'd have 39 more pounds to lose.

I had a mini-promise to myself to take pictures at every 10lbs lost. But I forgot to start the photos until I was 180. So at 170lbs, I'll take some photos. What I might do is get to that magical 134.5 and maintain it for a while. If maintaining that weight feels like way too much work, I might review the photos and reconsider what is a comfortable weight to maintain. I dunno. Anything under 150 feels unreasonably thin to me somehow. I've not been that small since....early high school? I don't have any idea what size I would be wearing. It's just impossible to fathom.

And will I still have this round face? Will my boobs sag? Where will my skin go? Will my tattoos look different?

Do I even want to be "skinny?" Ugh. We'll see. I want to be fucking hot, that's what. I want to look good on a beach.
Even though I live in the mountains, haha.

Delicious dinner--More calories than expected.

So I made some salmon last night. Salmon with a honey sriracha "glaze." I saw some recipes for a honey glaze on salmon, and I just wanted to spice it up. I was inspired by a delicious wing sauce that is made at a local pub, unsurprisingly named "Honey Sriracha" sauce. All of the recipes I saw had about 1tbsp honey, thinned with 1tbsp vegetable oil, various other seasonings, and then brushed on the salmon and baked. First of all, I love sautee-ing things. Salmon especially. But, okay, I'll bake it. Fine. But when salmon (and all fattier fishes) render out their fat, it forms a sort of white gelatinous pool either on top of or around the fish. It looks..unappetizing. When sautee-ing, this can just be scraped away, but when baking, it just sits there. Taunting you. On top of the filet.

As for the glaze, I thought I'd save myself some calories and use a bit of water to thin out the honey instead. It did not stick to the salmon very well at all. That is no surprise now, considering how thin it was. An oily mixture would have been more viscous. Duh. HOWEVER. It did really get a chance to flavor the salmon. Both the honey and sriracha were delightfully apparent without overwheming the delicious salmon taste. Just not nice and glaze-y like I had wanted.

The green beans were simply steamed. I thought about making them fancy, but D and I just so love the taste of garden fresh green beans. I didn't want to spoil that sort of natural perfection.

I took my friend's advice and used jasmine rice as my starch. However, with the slightly asian-ified salmon, I decided to give the rice some subtle flavors, too. Sriracha is a garlic and hot chile paste, so I used about 2 cloves of garlic, minced fine, and about 1tbsp grated ginger for 2 cups of rice (uncooked, 4 cups cooked). I made a lot of extra rice because I have PLANS for it later in the week. Nothing fancy. Just leftovers. I sauteed the garlic and ginger in just a touch of oil. I cooked up the jasmine rice with the garlic/ginger stirred into it. It's just a TOUCH of the aromatic components in that sea of rice (hence the "scented" rice). It went really nicely with the rest of the food.

But LO AND BEHOLD. Salmon has a crap-ton of calories per oz. It's a fatty fish. Fat calories add up. If you go by the recommended serving size (3oz, about the size of a deck of cards), it is 175 calories. I portioned out 5oz filets, so thats more like 290 calories. JUST FOR THE SALMON.

With about 1/2 cup cooked rice and the green beans (and all the extra seasonings), the total is 504 fucking calories! Which is a lot! Fortunately for me (and for D), we had room for this kind of calorie consumption at the end of the day. So it wasn't the worst thing ever, but just surprising.

AND DELICIOUS.